lace

once a promise opened wide
horizon stretched on either side
hope and purpose filled each step
with a glittering radiant light.
but all too soon the light snuffed out
filling hearts with pain and doubt
preventing sight or venturing beyond what is seen.
tender flutterings passing by
gentle heartache for you and i
ever left considering empty possibilities.
lost
taken
not mistaken
memory left undiluted.
lace
laughter
flourishing after
the dismal day you had to die.

encore

so, here is a concept that i find really irritating, the encore.

you are at a show. you wait and wait to hear a favorite song, but the show is now over and said song was never played.(realistically, for me, it is just the most popular songs, because i tend to gravitate towards the obscure, but you get what i mean.)

everyone starts clapping, cheering, begging for the artists to return to the stage. we are delighted when they grace us with their presence for a few more songs. how generous they were to indulge us.

did anybody ever wonder why the most famous songs were withheld until the end? did it never occur to us that encores are actually a part of the set list? they are not indulging us, people, they are finishing their show!

it is even more tiresome when they go offstage and make a second encore appearance. who are we fooling? do we need to go through the production? can we not just grant them a water or restroom break without ceremony?

perhaps not. maybe this is the best way, but i would much rather participate without false pretenses on either side. maybe it's just me. i'm just saying...

tidbits of info

I know when I am excited about something, because it shows up in my dreams. Last night, I again dreamt about the Kellers, which means I am jazzed about going to crossfit tonight. If I were remotely self-motivated, perhaps I would be successful at working out at home. This is not the case, and I am craving a good workout. Taking a walk with the kids is fun and good quality time, but it is not improving my muscle tone.

In other news, the fury that has been my life is about to lose fuel. I take my algebra final tomorrow. Then I am finished with school until the fall. Andrew will be out of school soon, so I will no longer have time restraints in the evenings. This will be such a relief. I am such a night owl. Working on the school schedule does not suit me very well; adds copious amounts of stress to my already overwhelmed life.

We finished Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University about 3 weeks ago. That was one less weekly obligation. I just have such poor time management skills that i can never seem to get anywhere on time. Then I feel like a failure and live on adrenaline, as I run mad like an animal infected with rabies. It feels awful, but I seriously do not know what i am thinking. Like when I think I need to leave my house, which is positioned at least 30 traveling minutes from anywhere, at the time that I actually need to be at a place. Crazy!

Summer will be a welcomed break. Anna and I will still homeschool, but we work on our time frame. If we have to do math at 8:30 pm, we can do it. I won't have to try to remember to have the eldest son read, practice his saxophone, do his chores, work on his homework, eat dinner, take a shower, and fit in a little down time in the 4 hours he his home after school; all the while juggling dinner, hungry baby, tired baby, laundry, dishes, workout, quality time, church, Dave Ramsey

I can't wait to go to the pool, to the beach, to do things with friends. There are so many wonderful things to look forward to in the summer. Summer is my favorite season of the year. I know that sounds crazy, since I live in the great state of Texas, where it gets HOT, but I like it like that!

Wanted to do a little rambling between studying.

it is birthday season in our world. anna last week, corey today, my dad tomorrow, me next thursday, elijah next saturday. busy and broke!

we had a nice party with friends and family tonight. our dear friend, julissa, shares a birthday with corey; she and her husband joined us for our little shindig. julissa and i had fun rocking just dance on the wii. my mom filmed us, and threatened to put it on the web.

elijah is now a climber and a walker, officially. he climbed out of his high chair monday. he also figured out how to climb onto the couch and how to climb the front of his stroller. tuesday, he decided that he wanted to go to the entertainment center, and took four steps to get to it, on his own. are we ever in trouble now.

humorously, it is worth mentioning that the cabinet latches meant to keep him safe from the items inside the cabinets now reside in his toy box. in their place you will find his toys, that is, his little links. they fit snugly around the two door pulls. he doesn't have the strength to pry them loose. he figured out how to unlock the cabinet latches within five minutes of me putting them up. i have tried to make it work, to no avail. the rings are a nice substitution.

disclaimer

upon reflection of the prior post, i must admit that some details of the last few years of my life were oversimplified. i believe this to be my way of processing. i must step out of he fine print, as it were, to take in the fullness of the page.

a great many things happened in the past three or four years. it was just essential to disassemble those events, that i may have some sense of resolution within myself.

beautiful deconstruction

a handful of years ago one sentence completely altered the course of my life.

“be the church.”

living stones. a holy preisthood. mercy, not sacrifice.

this one idea catapulted me into a series of personal deconstructions from which i have been unable to recover. but, then again, how does one recover from that which is undone?

since that profound beginning, i began to question. everything. nothing made sense anymore. my understanding, my standards, my systems were completely in ruin. there was no work to complete. no sacrifice required. nothing i could do to achieve personal holiness. i was lost in a sea replete with uncertainty. where was i to go.

the first question to enter my mind: “if i am the church, why do i need the church?”

a series of events, an onslaught of information left me wanting, unsatisfied with what i understood church to be. i was weary of repetition. hypocrisy left me incensed, though i was keenly aware how well i embodied it. ultimately, i decided to walk away from the church. i now see that i was attempting to figure things out. but who can know the mind of God?

whilst on this journey for some greater truth, i discovered a passion for people i had not fully known. but, not just any people, the ‘lost.’ after reconvening with some people outside my church world, i became disgusted with such a suggestion. who am i to say that someone else is lost? i stand not in the place of judge. i know not the realities of one person’s relationship with the almighty living Lord.

you see, on this journey i witnessed happenings in the lives of the unchurched in ways that had to be God. it was as if he was challenging my sensibilties on who can know him or be used of him. he also taught me not to believe what people say, particularly about what they believe in regards to faith, because most of the time they don’t know. we expect ourselves and others to be definitive about our belief systems that change as we do. they mature with us. beyond that, we are usually out of touch with our hearts; so i had to learn to listen beyond the words.

the next question that began to plague me was simply, to God, “do i even love you?”

it’s easy to say that i do. but he told peter that if he loved him he would feed his lambs. truth be told, on a macro level, i don’t like people. i am worn out by them. i am an introvert. i am an only child. i have to share my spouse with thousands of souls that i don’t know, who really have no regard for me or the sacrifice i am making on their behalf. i have been trained all these years, but that doesn’t mean i am excited about it. (yes, i see my hypocrisy.)

beyond the feeding of his sheep, jesus said that if we love him we would obey his commands. at this point in the game i was blatantly rebelling against his directives. i felt that they were too hard. he doesn’t demand so much from other people that i see. “God, i know you know best, but i feel like doing things my way.” essentially i abandoned ship, much like jonah. i soon found out that my way ends in death, which i had known all along. after all, the bible tells me so.

then,”what’s the point of even trying?” became the resounding chorus of my life. i was giving up. it was to hard to be a follower of christ. there had to be a simpler way. if i didn’t love him, what was the point? i mean, i felt like i loved him, but i didn’t meet his commands, not even the essential 2. i didn’t measure up. i didn’t want to fool myself, to arrive for my judgement and be told that he didn’t know me. i didn’t want to pretend.

at some point in all of this my foolishness was overwhelming. i cried to the lord for an intervention. within 24 hours such an intervention came. again, like jonah. i cried out in my distress and he heard my cry. this was a humbling, shameful time for me, still raw from the painful implosion of everything i once believed and riveted by questions that lead to a bit of self-deception. you see, the quest for truth is noble and good, but you will be tested with falsehood on your journey. you must learn to discern that which is light.

i am happy to say that eventually things altered. clarity came. i realized that community is the premise for the church in my life. i can do all that calls me to do wherever i am, but the church is a portal for connecting with other people who are living the same way. i saw that the barriers don't have to be drawn. i still wonder about what church really is, but now i understand why i attend one.

i also decided to obey his voice, though it did seem like a great request. within 9 months of that act of obedience, i conceived the child that i had prayed earnestly for for 7 years. and God named him elijah. elijah, the name i wanted to name our now 12 year old child. elijah, the prophet whom i respect and defend, be it only internal defense. elijah, whose spirit God placed upon elisha and john. elijah.

i found that obedience doesn't come all at once. it happens, at least for me, in waves. once i said yes to one thing, i found it a little easier to say yes to another. sometimes i am faithful, many times i am not. i have learned that he loves me anyway. though he knows what i will do, i often do not. i have to learn more about my true nature.

sadly, i must also admit that my greatest failures coincided within that 9 month window of turning to say yes. in that time i abandoned all belief in spiritual warfare. i succumbed to whatever may be. i just couldn’t believe that there was actually power in prayer. that’s what i thought. it is not entirely true. i still believed it sometimes, but my hope was waning. i was barely hanging on. God did not let go. he hasn’t let me go yet.

he later used the story of alex malarky, the boy who came back from heaven, to super-infuse me with hope. it was like a bone marrow transplant for my soul. new life. i am so thankful for what God has done and continues to do.

i find myself in the midst of another great deconstruction. i see remnants of ideas and beliefs buzz in and out of my periphereals, but i can’t quite focus on what is actually happening. i can feel it. concepts are reverberating.

identity dissatisfaction. superstar. be nice. inability to process emotions.

so many things keep surfacing, resurfacing. i can barely keep up, yet i have no idea what is going on. i gaze at my true reflection in the water, alarmed by the realities of me. me, one who has tried so hard all my life; prided myself on being good. my goodness is really wretchedness. i finally see.

my prayer in the whirl of all this, is that God would not leave me undone. take me further. clean me out. hollow me. just complete the task you began. lord, pleases don’t leave me undone.

pillowcase dress

these are a couple of pictures of the girls in their coordinating pillowcase dresses and spirit flops. they were really in the mood to play, so we just had to make due with these photos. we will have more from the fashion show.

i am so happy that i actually followed through on something. this is so unlike me. but like my friend, dana, said, "there's nothing like somebody else counting on you to bring you accountability for getting things done." (or something to that effect. not sure what her exact quote was.)

just sharing the fun!

crafting day

totally on a creativity high! preparing for anna's girl scout fashion show double fold. she and her friend are coordinating for the event, so we spent the day creating handmade pillowcase dresses. we will finish them up tomorrow. yes, pictures will follow! we still have another week before the event. it feels really good to not be scrounging to finish at the very last minute. we are still procrastinating, but with breathing room.

tomorrow we will also be distressing some jeans that we are converting to capris, painting and blinging a halter top, and making spirit flops with the fabric leftover from the dresses. i am stoked! i am learning so much about sewing.

my mother says that she has never seen me this excited about anything, which i consider to be an exaggeration, but i have to admit that this is thrilling. i will be doing some more web research to figure out exactly how i want to finish the dresses. should we use ribbon? should we use elastic and fashion the ties out of bias tape? should we sew up little ties out of coordinating fabric? choices, choices.

so many ideas, so little funds.

another bonus, we listened to the beatles the entire time we were crafting. this makes me happy.

in other creative news, anna and i will be making indian headbands gone chic for an art project in homeschool this week.

we never did make the aprons. i cut out a makeshift pattern for my girl, but she lost interest rather quickly. maybe someday in the near future, though i do feel negligent of little eli when we get to play, but he has to just play by himself because we are so busy. thankfully granny steps in to save the day, which brightens everyone's spirits.

spring break

our three days of spring are nearly over. technically speaking, the kids have a week, but corey wants us to start getting the house market ready as soon as we get home tomorrow. we have painting, packing, planting, and all sorts of things in store for us upon our return from stephenville.
the vacation has been wonderful. the kids have been living their huck finn/ tom sawyer fantasies out here. they have been fishing, riding horses, exploring the land, examining tracks, and all sorts of back to nature things.
i enjoy watching andrew, in particular, because this seems to give him a measure of peace that i have never noticed in him. he seems so grown up and free. he did more horseback riding than anna did, which surprised us all. he just got up on scooter and meandered around the yard. barefoot even.
this knowledge does cause a bit of anxiety in me about moving to the suburbs. we will be saving money, but at a cost. i'm not convinced that we will truly eliminate the whole 'being stuck between two worlds' ordeal, because living in the country gives us a different perspective than those living in the city. it is not much different than being different than the people we live with in the country because we have a different, sometimes more progressive world view. we may just have the 'odd man out' syndrome regardless.
we went to dinosaur valley state park today. i feel so complete in open country like that. it makes me feel connected to "my ancestors." corey likes to tease me aboput this, but it is what it is. i feel connected to my native roots when i get out in the wild. a weird thing happens to me, though; i get really restless. i have a terrible time staying out in nature for more than 3 hours at a stretch. it doesn't matter if it's a state park, the folk festival, the river, the lake, the beach, the park, i have to go after a couple of hours. i am praying about this. it doesn't seem right. what is causing this restlessness, this anxiety about something that fills me up so completely?
off to bed now. hopefully i will get a chance to watch the sunrise again.we leave for home after lunch time, and we want to get up early enough to fit in as much as we can before we leave.

i am in a season of just adoring my husband. we all know that he is quite adorable, but this is more than just acknowledging that. this is deeper.

i am learning to trust him. to walk in his shadow without fear or anxiety. i enjoy being his counterpart. i want to support and encourage him. i desire to behold the greatness he is capable of. i am amazed at what God has done in him. and through him.

i marvel at his sincere faith. his simplicity. his generous spirit. his delight in delighting in others.

i am so grateful for this man.

i don't want to doubt, nag, fear any longer. Lord, please help me be the woman i need to be. i can't do it without you.

33

so, i turned 32 2 days before elijah was born. that made me 32 with 3 kids. a few months into this, i got it into my head that i was 33 years old, thus eliminating a year of my life by making me a year older. i went so far as to tell my husband that he was lying about his age, based on my calculations of my own age.

i have since realized that i am only 32 years old. my birthday is in may. i will enjoy being 32 for as long as i can.

i was laughing to myself about this, and considered this to be a blogworthy tidbit. hope you enjoyed it.

new york calling

we were fortunate to take a trip to nyc last september. it was epic- as my son would say. we walked as much as we possibly could, we did times square, we went to central park, we ate bagels, and the 'best' pizza in new york. we saw wicked on broadway, went to a yankees game, ate at a swanky restaurant, walked the brooklyn bridge. we had such a great time.

i was pregnant, however. having morning sickness on the subway, during the play, while walking the city was less than desirable. though, it is hard to forget vomiting in the little bags provided on the plane as your touches down.

none the less, i have been obsessing about new york for many months now. it made sense when they year anniversary marker was coming up. now it is what it is. i want to go to new york! never forget, i am an only child, prone to red faced, kicking, screaming, sweaty fits. i feel like having one now.

never mind the fact that we have a 10 month old who is still nursing. don't look at the fact that we are doing dave ramsey, trying to get out of debt and build wealth to insure a more comfortable future. disregard completely the fact that we have saved no money for a vacation of any sort. I WANT TO GO!

hillsong church has a plant in new york, which certainly inflames my desire to go. for those of you who don't know, i have a ridiculous passion for hillsong, united in particular. but guess what, many of the people from united travel overseas to be part of this church plant.

oh, how i want to go. i want to take my children. yes, i said i wanted to take my children. i realize that i am the biggest scaredy cat-worry wart ever, but i guess i am willing to swallow all of that for such an opportunity.

i doubt we will be going. i, therefore, lament.

1492

he embraces things.

signs, and rings, and nuances often left out.

he has a way with words that brings tears to your eyes.

he is never out of place.

always has to save face.

he has a title.

it is his crown.

he is an explorer,

plumbing the depths of the world,

breaking beyond barriers that hold lesser ones back.

he doesn't look back.

he is fearless.

he mounts on wings, circling ever higher upon the currents which hold time to his soul.

cadence unfiltered.

undaunted.

he laughs impetuously,

his laughter chiming brightly into the eerie night.

he neither knows nor cares that they are watching,

as they always do.

it doesn't affect him.

light filters from a brazen sun through tangles in his golden hair,

revealing a smile as pure as ice.

he is a glacier, freezing and burning her timid heart.

she need not fear in his shadow.

weightlessly they make their way.

time emboldens the faint and feeble.

they are united,

coupled as the sun and the sky,

experiencing changes in the upper atmosphere.

barometric pressure.

so much to treasure in this moment.

uncertainty.

two souls recklessly invite time and consequence

whilest they journey onward to the horizon,

where awaits consequence, endless opportunity, and lands yet discovered.

consider the sea from the sands of the shore,

things are rarely as stable.

February

Anna and I have made some progress in the home school department. We are somewhat settled now. We had a fantastic time at the Valentine' s Party with the home school group from the church. What a neat group of ladies! The kids are so vivacious. I'm not sure if I feel more exhilarated or exhausted after a time around them. They are delightful.

Anna was so excited to have a party, since that was the one thing she was going to miss about school, which she adamantly pointed out before she was even withdrawn.

In other news, I am drowning in my college algebra work. It is so easy to forget what you learn when you are only there once a week. It is like I get it while I am there, but by Friday evening, I am clueless. This is slightly concerning with my first big test tomorrow. I know that I always feel like I am going to fail, but that feeling is amplified when I feel like I am not retaining anything.

If I have to I will drop the class. I don't really want to, because I am not confident that I can commit to a flex class. It is a stretch to do any school for myself while homeschooling and parenting an infant. I don't want to miss this precious time with Elijah. I also don't want to be put in a position to repay my financial aid. Life is full of choices.

We are almost done with the girl scout cookie fiasco. Monies are due this weekend, which will be a relief. It is really hard for me to motivate myself to get out there and deliver the product. I am not sure why. They have already purchased what they want, so I don't think it is a rejection issue. I just don't necessarily want to be face to face with strangers. That, and the fact that there always seems to be so much to do.

Speaking of which, I was able to clean my bathroom and my sheets today. I also got a load of diapers washed and hung out to dry, and another batch of diapers brought off the line and put away. All this on top of school. I felt so productive, which feels pretty epic, actually.

I also did a workout called Van Gogh's Ear. I love, love, LOVE Van Gogh, so when I came across this workout, naturally, I wanted to do it. The hitch: you have to do double unders with the jump rope. I cannot jump rope. My bladder doesn't work that way. So, I modified it a little. My version of Van Gogh's Ear: 2 min each- pull ups, air squats, burpees. 1 min rest. 90 sec each pull ups, air squats, burpees. 1 min rest. 60 sec each pull ups, air squats, burpees. I know, it doesn't sound like much, but I challenge you to try it. It works! My mom and Anna watched me and laughed at all the funny positions and faces I produced.

That's a big information dump. Feels good to get it off my chest, out of my mind. I think I'll finish listening to the Beatles and get ready for bed. Goodnight, big world!

insurmountable

tides envelop,
taking us further out.
out into the vastness, possibility.
what awaits restless souls condemned to wander,
frantically seeking truth, release?
up into the light.
time to face the crowd.
places please.
incomplete.
embrace the hollow glow.
too many smiles.
pretenses.
constitution wearing thin.
we are the same,
you and i.
we are left wanting in the lack of absolutes.
scratching backwards.
no more patience to pretend.
climb ever up and onward
unto a place of completion.
openness.
solitude.
solution.
resolution.
eternity.
so much trudging.
on and on.
those golden shores await.
we place delicate leather laces around our feet,
as, once again, we attempt the climb.
hand and hand we make our way.
we make our way divine.

mother/son date

we had a blast. we started the evening by driving into san antonio, admiring the snow that had not melted from the night before. that in itself is a treat. snow in san antonio! i find it odd, however, that we did not get any snow at our house in the hills. maybe next time!
we went to tim's oriental market. andrew has been wanting to go for some time. somehow it has always worked out that he is not with us when we go. we do not go often, as i feel very uncomfortable being like the only white person in the building. there are sometimes others, but they are invariably married to someone who hails from the orient. yet again, 'i'm not worthy!'
he ended up getting a pair of chopsticks with a kabuki guy painted on the top. he also talked me in to buying a can of rice milk with bits of rice and a japanese soda that smelled of anise.
after this we meandered over to peter piper pizza. i thought he might be getting too old for this, but he wanted to go. i guess you're never too old for violent video games. in fact, i saw a couple of older teenagers who were just hanging out. apparently i underestimate the cool factor of peter piper. i do vaguely recall hanging out there when we were in junior high, whenever we would go to the carnival.
after he spent all of 100 tokens, which didn't take very long, we went over to kohl's to shop for new shoes. he found a pair of tony hawk high tops with the puffy tongue that sticks up in front of the pants. he thought they were, 'beast.' they were more than i wanted to spend. i'm cheap that way. we left with them anyway.
we had a great time. it's funny how independent we are. we spend quality time doing something with each other/ without each other. that is just how it works. we come together to share bits and pieces, but, by and large, we do our own thing. it makes me laugh. we are original, our whole family. i love that. i struggle with it, but i really do love it.

updates

finishing up week three of homeschooling. it has been a roller coaster, but we are finding our rhythm. we have a solar system hanging over anna's bed, which is really cool. we have two chapters left in little house in the big woods. we are half way through with the transition lessons for right start math. we have learned more scripture in the last 3 weeks than we have investigated in the last few years. a friend of mine has said that homeschooling is all about your relationship with your precious children. i am witnessing the effects of this.

i still battle my insecurity, but that is a life long battle. this endeavour wouldn't be different than anything else in my life, would it?

our home looks like the latest natural disaster. i wish i enjoyed organizing. i really don't. with my school, home school, and an infant this place is a nightmare. it is starting to affect my husband, so i am trying to get it together. but every project seems to grow; the baby is never full of being held. i always feel overwhelmed and behind. this is a bummer, as i don't feel the peace to be creative when i am being ravaged by guilt.

i know i can. i know i can. i know i can.

up hill all the way.

tonight is the father daughter dance at our church. anna is getting ready now. she shyly requested that daddy take her to golden corral, much to his dismay. i am so thankful that he didn't tell her no, even though he cannot stand the place. sacrificing love.

andrew and i have a date, too. we don't know what we are doing yet. he has mentioned eating at a chinese restaurant. i am worried that he will want sushi. i don't know if i am as selfless as corey. seafood makes me sick, literally. we will see. better get ready. he will be arriving home any minute. take care, all of you people out there. hope you are all warm in this winter freeze!

new events

everything in my life seems to be breaking right now. okay, not everything, but the list goes on and on. currently we have had to replace our oven; my rear windshield wiper, the trackpad to my mac book our hot water heater all need repair. a few months ago we had a streak where 5 things were broken within a week. hopefully this is not an ongoing event.

so we picked out a new oven. it is black and stainless steel to match our hand me down refrigerator. it is totally cute, and was pretty affordable, as far as new appliances go. you never want to have to buy a new oven, but having things to bake and no where to bake them doesn't work either.

the dishwasher needs replacing, thanks to the limestone rock we live on, but we can only do so much at a time. until we save up for that i have to rewash half of everything that cycles through. if not for a curious, mobile little infant in our house, i might hand wash it all, but not a chance with eli running around. i have to make every second count.

updating the kitchen inspires me to want to make aprons. maybe anna and i can tackle that before the weekend. she is being homeschooled now. that would count as art for the week, in my eyes. but i am really looking forward to painting, as well. choices.