6 days til christmas

i am soooo excited, there are only 6 more days until christmas! most of the shopping is done, just a couple of more things for dear friends. we did not do any baking this year, which is really sad. last year, the kids and i made chocolate chip oatmeal cookies and sugar cookies. it was so much fun, and it really put you in the christmas spirit- listening to holiday music with a fire on the hearth and the warm sweet smell of fresh baked treats wafting from the kitchen.

this year it has been a little difficult to get into a mood of holiday cheer. maybe it is because everything is topsy-turvy, with a new baby and more extended family on a regular basis, perhaps it is because thanksgiving wasn't the eagerly anticipated event it normally is, maybe the sense that things are changing, or maybe it is the fact that we are still experiencing weather in the 80's at the end of december, but whatever it is, it doesn't quite feel like christmas.

yet the restless anticipation swells within my being, and i know that it is all too true. there is something so pleasant about this time of year. we consider others more than ourselves, we are more aware of the plight of humanity, we surround ourselves with stories and songs that illuminate what is good in humanity, and we therefore strive to produce goodness in our own lives. life, we remember, is something to be celebrated, appreciated. we are once again rejuvenated whilst we live it.

love is a miracle. we get to participate in the miraculous. these disappointed feelings, in the end, are secondary to the movement. i don't need to swoon in my romanticism of the season. i can remember the ultimate miracle of love, that god would create a child to redeem our souls from utter damnation; i can be a part of this miracle by sharing in his love for those in my world. that is significant. it is enough.

i may not be able to do drastic things. i am not a philanthropist, a professional, a missionary, a doctor, a leader, or anything of prestige, but i can contribute to the world by caring about those who enter my world. one kind word, a listening ear, an unexpected hug or generous offer... these things do matter. they do not seem significant, but we cannot aptly quantify what god does or continues to do through the ordinary. everyone of us was created for greatness. god sees that which is done in the secret. he rewards us accordingly. let the light of the manger remind us that we can do great things, too. love is enough.

isfp

so sac has this nifty link where you can take a jungian personality test to help you better assess possible careers, thereby maximizing your college potential. i found out that i am an isfp- introverted, sensing, feeling, perceiving personality. this is one of the major artist personality types, which, of course, i love. so much of what they say about this person does reflect who i am. this is always so validating, which is probably why i have such a love for personality tests.

the funny thing about the careers suggested for this personality type is that they are nearly all things i have considered pursuing. this does not necessarily narrow the gap, though it does show me that perhaps i am headed in the right direction.

based on this information, early childhood education and design are looking like the brightest avenues. i can get a degree in 2 years if i do early childhood. but will that fulfil my need for solitude and creation?

i will have to investigate the design possibilities more. i think incarnate word has a program for fashion design. ironically, i am back where i left off in high school. i had several colleges send information to try to recruit me for fashion and interior design. i think this was the result of the asvab test that the army administered to us.

i am a little giddy standing on new prospects; i just wanted to share.

also, john lennon was the same personality type. *sigh* guess that's why i love him so much.

brooke fraser

got to go see brooke fraser last night with a couple of church friends and corey's sister. it was fun being in austin. i got to be silly for a while, which is awesome, even if i am totally insecure revealing my true self.

we ate at kerbey lane, which is like a little pancake joint/eclectic eatery/bar. pretty hip little place. i had a meditteranean salad and a mimosa. yummy!

the show was at a club on 6th called the parish. it was relatively small, with lots of dramatic features: black and white flocked wall paper framed along the brick walls, beautiful chandeliers, red velvet curtains, wooden floors in an upstairs venue. classic.

brooke was very fun. she is a good entertainer. she has a way of interacting with the crowd that makes you feel very welcome. she seemed to enjoy the rowdiness of the austin crowd. i liked it best when she gave us a web address in an american accent.

she played 'crows and locusts' off of the new album. excellent! i was very surprised, because that is such a weighty song. they played it, none the less.

all the audience sang along with a few of the older songs, but i was particularly struck by the crowd singing albertine. i also love the fact that she is still telling the world about albertine, as she promises in the song.

i was a little hurt by the fact that her husband refused to sign my shirt. it may sound silly, but i am what i am. god totally used it, however, to speak to me about idolatry and pride. my pride, that is. i always have to fall down a chunk of stairs to get to my knees. i don't like this about myself, but i am so grateful that the lord loves me enough to do what it takes to bring me to humility.

as far as idolatry goes- people are people. not one is above the next. this is a constant struggle for me. it is so easy to buy into the hype that it is what you look like, what you do, your power or position that make you worthy; that only the beautiful, elite, talented, successful people are the ones that matter. of course this is a lie. it is still easy to adopt the ideology. i have been subscribing to this deceitful philosophy all of my life. incidentally, i have struggled with self-contempt as a result.

by the end of the evening, i was blessed with the reality that i belong somewhere. being a wife and a mother isn't as prestigious as a great many other things, and i frequently feel completely insignificant, but i matter a great deal where my family is concerned. they care about me, despite my blaring imperfections. they love me anyway.

i am satisfied. that is enough. i thank the lord that i am so blessed!

turn about

i just finished reading the boy who came back from heaven. i must say that something has taken a turn for the better. my spirits are high. i am filled with a hope. something about that account just makes the eternal more of a thing to live for. like i have been returned to my first love. this book coupled with you, hillsong, and brooke fraser's who are we fooling, have just redirected my path. i know the mountain top experiences are not meant to last, but i am ever so grateful for this fresh wind, this new perspective.

second quilt

finished my second quilt in the wee hours of sunday morning.i haven't really figured out how to miter the corners, so, needless to say, the quilt is not perfect. it is pretty, though. corey says that it reminds him of jane austen, which, of course, warms my soul.

the quilt is actually a baby gift for a dear couple. i'm not sure why, but i am very excited about this child. for now, i have just surrendered to the fact that i am especially drawn to the nurturing of this child, rather than feeling weird about it. every person is special, but only certain people hold special places in one's life. it's a start.

couldn't resist a photo shoot with elijah and the quilt. the photos turned out nicely. the first one especially. you can't pose babies, and he looks just like he's praying. what a special boy!

my darling daughter is now writing poetry-for fun. i am so overjoyed. of course i want my children to be their own unique persons, but i also find it extremely refreshing when we actually have common interests. i truly see her blossoming into a singer songwriter like her daddy, but until that day comes, i will celebrate that she is a poet, like me.

Aqualung - Good Times Gonna Come

this video kinda embodies what i'm talking about. how long must we falter before we take flight?

think for yourself

while talking with a dear friend earlier, i realized something intriguing. for some reason, i have it in my head that unless my thoughts are validated by an outside source, they themselves are invalid. what a strange concept. i am so afraid to think for myself that i must seek another person to hide beneath. this is absolute craziness. why is it so difficult to think for yourself? why does the fear of confrontation cause me to cower, to go along with things i do not believe at all, just to keep the peace? i don't want to live confined by fear. i want to soar, to rise above the temporal. i want to be me. how we rob the world when we hide the unique creation that we really are. i'm not sure the resolution, but i am sure that the revelation will reset my path. only time will tell. for now, i am okay with possibility and the indefinite.

I finally finished my 1st quilt. It may have taken nearly 6 months, but it is done. I actually finished something I started!!! What progress. Who takes a quilting class 6 weeks before they are due to deliver a baby anyway? Oh, that would be me. I am well pleased!

we survived my sons 1st week of middle school. yea! it is funny how about a year ago i started getting nostalgic about middle school. this was followed by several dreams with random people from that time of my life. god started preparing me a year in advance for this transition. elijah may be the only thing keeping me from freaking out and becoming totally overprotective and weird. at least i can acknowledge it.

andrew's 1st dance is friday. apparently we are just going to dive into the teenage years headfirst, without much warning. i never liked inching my way into things anyway.

in other news, i bought strawberries to make jam with. it will get done this time! i also bought some fabric to make a quilt for a couple who is having a baby soon. it's good that i have crafting supplies, because i am pretty much landlocked for the next 2 weeks. the price you pay for being a stay at home mom! i am grateful to have the opportunity to do it, though. it is a blessing for me to be here for my children. i love it! don't let my tone confuse you, i just have an eeyore personality.

crossfit

Crossfit makes me sick. Literally.

I went for my 3rd workout yesterday. This is the most grueling work I have ever done. It takes me 3 times as long as it takes the other participants. I could only finish after a 15 minute break to feed the baby. Even then, I did 10 less burpies than the rest. That was my attempt at finishing.

Mind you, this was one of the 'shorter' workouts, but it took me an hour to complete.

Dwayne assured me that everyone hates burpies. There are shirts with explicits dedicated to burpies. Burpies work every muscle fiber in your body, which is why the military has been using them for a hundred years. Somehow, I know that I was whipped by burpies; for that, there is no consolation. Because somewhere around #6 I was tottering between fainting and vomiting.

I assure you, the latter came later!

Being an undisciplined person, as I am, my goal is just finishing. I'll worry about my time as I build up endurance.

I drove away singing, "you're not hardcore unless you live hardcore," from School of Rock. I realized at that moment, I am not hardcore. So I give it up for Dwayne, Kendall, John, Chris, Corey, Juliette, Olivia, Susie, Ryan, Stacy, Carol, Leeza, and everyone else who does crossfit.

These people are titans. I am merely a muppet.

livin' the dream

i am truly blessed to have the life that i live.

this clothesline reflects the nature of my present life. line drying, cloth diapers, open skies, ranch land, simplicity... all part of me recreating my laura ingalls fantasy.

i am so blessed to live this life, surrounded by people who love and support me, in a land of many freedoms, in a position to stay home with those i love, inspired to seek a more just, beautiful world.

today is bliss, as i consider beauty. peace. love.

*sigh*

confessions

i am a total dork. for those of you who don't know, i have just admitted it; the secret is out. even still, i think it is the ironies, imperfections, contradictions that stand out and make our lives that much more brilliant, that much more beautiful. so, i will post about loving my idealogies whilst listening to thrice and contemplating life on the reservation. maybe i will soon be able to swallow my oddities without reacting to my gag reflex.

picking peaches was followed by two parties, a husband out to russia, three amazing, albeit energetic kids, an out of town guest, a yard sale, and the regular shenanigans. i made no jam, though i very nearly had an anxiety attack. last night i stayed up late cutting peaches and preparing them for the freezer. i saw the creepiest thing: a spider crawled out of this tiny hole in a peach. it was an eerie visual; one that illustrates how evil is always there, hiding in the midst of our fruit. may we have eyes to see and wisdom to navigate through things that devour.

peach pickin'

finally had time to upload the pictures from our peach pickin' excursion in fredericksburg, texas. it was nice to be out with the family. we went to a small, family run orchard where it was like picking fruit in some body's rather large back yard.

something you may not know about peach trees is that they are crawling with these green tinted beetle, about the size of a wasp. these beetles sporadically fly towards you as you enter the shade of the tree. we were all quite startled by these little bugs. we were also relieved to find that they weren't wasps.

we weren't sure whether or not we should even head to the orchard on this particular day. the weather was so odd, with a pattern of rain for a couple of minutes then sun shining the next. the sky was rather ominous. i changed my mind three times before we finally proceeded. corey determined that, if nothing else, at least we would get a road trip out of the deal. the day was great. it sprinkled a little bit right before we reached the farm, but otherwise it was a beautiful day. by the time we left the area we were sweating terribly. the sun was victorious, in the end.

fredericksburg is so much fun. andrew found a gun/cowboy store, which was right up his alley. there were antique guns, toy guns, and semi-automatic weapons in the midst of a small western apparel shop. it was rather bizarre. there is a cool toy store around the corner from there. they have lots of nostalgic toys, as well as gags and novelties. my mom and i found the scrapbook store, which always equals trouble. i found some russian nesting doll chipboard accessories. score!

we didn't have a whole day to spend, but we had a wonderful time, none the less. now i have to get on the jam making bandwagon. it has been five days now, so the peaches are good and ripe.

John Lennon & Yoko Ono: Give Peace A Chance

this is my heart today: give peace a chance. how can we calm the rage and turmoil within that causes us to respond with violence? what balm exists to soothe the human soul? if we seek not a solution to the human condition, little hope exists for our kind. i will seek to bring peace and light to the world today, whilst examining my own errant ways. peace can exist. it is not easy. there are examples out there of others who have worked to bring peace on earth. the effort still impacts others if it is only one person strong, but a greater number impacts the world in a greater way. what can you do to give peace a chance today?

more

i’m trying to work it all out. to come to some conclusion about just what it means for me to live. to be okay with who i am- with all of my faults and deficiencies, yet not without strengths and beauties, as well. i’m tired of comparing myself to other people who always seem to be more than i am. more beautiful. more polite. more godly. more together. cleaner. more organized. sweeter. more thoughtful. a better wife. a better mother. what a disciple of christ really is. more healed. more. more. more. so much to try to live up to, knowing that you never really can. when is it enough to be satisfied with life as i know it? when can i settle for all that i really am. it doesn’t really seem like it should be this hard. for some, maybe it isn’t. i am extremely discontented with living for other people’s views of what my life should be. we all have our ideas, our convictions, our idealogoies, our codes. but in the end, that’s all they are...codes. we can live by them or not, but they don’t do much to change our true nature. so maybe i have a code that i need to live by, but that does not mean that i need to project my standards onto you, for whom they may be perfectly inadequate. we each have to live for that which we find imperative. we each have one life, one chance, one responsibilty; that is unto ourselves. if i focus on what is right for you, i fail to operate that which is mine. i therefore forfeit my life for one that is not my own. all such activity has become a real bore. i want to live for me, my life. the opinions and codes of others exist, but i must reconcile myself to a lifestyle that is worth living. no longer do others get to live for me. i remain responsible for myself. in a sense, we are all masters of the universe; modern day he-men, if you will. our destinies lie in our hands, if we will take charge of them. this is not a life absent of accountabliity, but, rather, a placing of that accountability into the most proper hands. in god i must abide. to god i must account. my conscience must be clean before him. to love him and to love others does not mean that others have permission to predetermine my life. it is my own. they must determine how they will carry out their own lives. mine is not their business. i anticipate the moments when this will be fulfilled in my life. when i can rise upon currents and soar in the sky. until then i must wait for the strength to find my wings against the parade of beckoners assuring me that i have no right to look for them, much less to fly.

welcoming to the stage: elijah gray winfield.

commonly referred to as:

elijah the gray

mister, mister

lijah bear

eli

lije

mr. wonderful

handsome honey

big business boy.

it's so much fun having a new addition. how did we ever manage without him?

new arrival

having a life inside of you for nine months is a beautiful, unexplainable gift. you begin to live for something other than yourself. you find that something ancient awakens in your soul. love in it's most unadulterated form springs forth from your being with luminescent purity so surreal that you wonder if you are suspended in some sort of a dream. motherhood is blissful, despite the physical demands a new life brings; overlooking the hormonal tidal waves you and those around you must endure. the wonder of motherhood can in no way prepare you, however, for unforeseen complications that may arise with your precious new arrival. before now we were completely unaware of the harrowing hardships that many struggle to face when their child is born in a less than perfect way. having the person so neatly united with you swept away is unimaginable. even though you know that the life of your child depends on the intensive care they are receiving, the ache, the hollowness does not dull in the absence of their presence, even if for their own good. it leaves you wondering if your perfect dream was only the beginning of a bitter nightmare with no end. reality fades into obscurity. you hope for the best whilst swallowing your biggest fears. so it is to have a birth with complications. you console yourself with the fact that somebody else has it worse than you do, but you can never deny the physical evidence that this less than blissful event is taking it's toll on your life. you try to carry on. keep it together. put one foot in front of the other. to survive. survival is the best you can do. you anxiously wait for reports that assure you of nothing. you plead inside yourself for any glint of good news. two things you may not have even known you have emerge as heroic figures that guide your day. faith and hope stand guard at the post of your failing heart. without them you would expire. they may be all that is keeping you alive.

syniki

I have been craving this dish for a while, particularly the last few days. At eight months pregnant I can't very well fly off to Moscow for a meal, so I began searching the internet. I couldn't find the name of the dish, Syrniki, since on the menu in Moscow we had only seen the words Russian Cheesecakes. Finally, through a blog, cheatingcook.wordpress, I found the name and a recipe to try. This morning I will attempt to make them. The only problem being that I do not have the Russian curd cheese, or even cottage cheese. Perhaps cream cheese will be a suitable substitute. I'm off to whip up a batch!