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i’m trying to work it all out. to come to some conclusion about just what it means for me to live. to be okay with who i am- with all of my faults and deficiencies, yet not without strengths and beauties, as well. i’m tired of comparing myself to other people who always seem to be more than i am. more beautiful. more polite. more godly. more together. cleaner. more organized. sweeter. more thoughtful. a better wife. a better mother. what a disciple of christ really is. more healed. more. more. more. so much to try to live up to, knowing that you never really can. when is it enough to be satisfied with life as i know it? when can i settle for all that i really am. it doesn’t really seem like it should be this hard. for some, maybe it isn’t. i am extremely discontented with living for other people’s views of what my life should be. we all have our ideas, our convictions, our idealogoies, our codes. but in the end, that’s all they are...codes. we can live by them or not, but they don’t do much to change our true nature. so maybe i have a code that i need to live by, but that does not mean that i need to project my standards onto you, for whom they may be perfectly inadequate. we each have to live for that which we find imperative. we each have one life, one chance, one responsibilty; that is unto ourselves. if i focus on what is right for you, i fail to operate that which is mine. i therefore forfeit my life for one that is not my own. all such activity has become a real bore. i want to live for me, my life. the opinions and codes of others exist, but i must reconcile myself to a lifestyle that is worth living. no longer do others get to live for me. i remain responsible for myself. in a sense, we are all masters of the universe; modern day he-men, if you will. our destinies lie in our hands, if we will take charge of them. this is not a life absent of accountabliity, but, rather, a placing of that accountability into the most proper hands. in god i must abide. to god i must account. my conscience must be clean before him. to love him and to love others does not mean that others have permission to predetermine my life. it is my own. they must determine how they will carry out their own lives. mine is not their business. i anticipate the moments when this will be fulfilled in my life. when i can rise upon currents and soar in the sky. until then i must wait for the strength to find my wings against the parade of beckoners assuring me that i have no right to look for them, much less to fly.