insurmountable

tides envelop,
taking us further out.
out into the vastness, possibility.
what awaits restless souls condemned to wander,
frantically seeking truth, release?
up into the light.
time to face the crowd.
places please.
incomplete.
embrace the hollow glow.
too many smiles.
pretenses.
constitution wearing thin.
we are the same,
you and i.
we are left wanting in the lack of absolutes.
scratching backwards.
no more patience to pretend.
climb ever up and onward
unto a place of completion.
openness.
solitude.
solution.
resolution.
eternity.
so much trudging.
on and on.
those golden shores await.
we place delicate leather laces around our feet,
as, once again, we attempt the climb.
hand and hand we make our way.
we make our way divine.

mother/son date

we had a blast. we started the evening by driving into san antonio, admiring the snow that had not melted from the night before. that in itself is a treat. snow in san antonio! i find it odd, however, that we did not get any snow at our house in the hills. maybe next time!
we went to tim's oriental market. andrew has been wanting to go for some time. somehow it has always worked out that he is not with us when we go. we do not go often, as i feel very uncomfortable being like the only white person in the building. there are sometimes others, but they are invariably married to someone who hails from the orient. yet again, 'i'm not worthy!'
he ended up getting a pair of chopsticks with a kabuki guy painted on the top. he also talked me in to buying a can of rice milk with bits of rice and a japanese soda that smelled of anise.
after this we meandered over to peter piper pizza. i thought he might be getting too old for this, but he wanted to go. i guess you're never too old for violent video games. in fact, i saw a couple of older teenagers who were just hanging out. apparently i underestimate the cool factor of peter piper. i do vaguely recall hanging out there when we were in junior high, whenever we would go to the carnival.
after he spent all of 100 tokens, which didn't take very long, we went over to kohl's to shop for new shoes. he found a pair of tony hawk high tops with the puffy tongue that sticks up in front of the pants. he thought they were, 'beast.' they were more than i wanted to spend. i'm cheap that way. we left with them anyway.
we had a great time. it's funny how independent we are. we spend quality time doing something with each other/ without each other. that is just how it works. we come together to share bits and pieces, but, by and large, we do our own thing. it makes me laugh. we are original, our whole family. i love that. i struggle with it, but i really do love it.

updates

finishing up week three of homeschooling. it has been a roller coaster, but we are finding our rhythm. we have a solar system hanging over anna's bed, which is really cool. we have two chapters left in little house in the big woods. we are half way through with the transition lessons for right start math. we have learned more scripture in the last 3 weeks than we have investigated in the last few years. a friend of mine has said that homeschooling is all about your relationship with your precious children. i am witnessing the effects of this.

i still battle my insecurity, but that is a life long battle. this endeavour wouldn't be different than anything else in my life, would it?

our home looks like the latest natural disaster. i wish i enjoyed organizing. i really don't. with my school, home school, and an infant this place is a nightmare. it is starting to affect my husband, so i am trying to get it together. but every project seems to grow; the baby is never full of being held. i always feel overwhelmed and behind. this is a bummer, as i don't feel the peace to be creative when i am being ravaged by guilt.

i know i can. i know i can. i know i can.

up hill all the way.

tonight is the father daughter dance at our church. anna is getting ready now. she shyly requested that daddy take her to golden corral, much to his dismay. i am so thankful that he didn't tell her no, even though he cannot stand the place. sacrificing love.

andrew and i have a date, too. we don't know what we are doing yet. he has mentioned eating at a chinese restaurant. i am worried that he will want sushi. i don't know if i am as selfless as corey. seafood makes me sick, literally. we will see. better get ready. he will be arriving home any minute. take care, all of you people out there. hope you are all warm in this winter freeze!

new events

everything in my life seems to be breaking right now. okay, not everything, but the list goes on and on. currently we have had to replace our oven; my rear windshield wiper, the trackpad to my mac book our hot water heater all need repair. a few months ago we had a streak where 5 things were broken within a week. hopefully this is not an ongoing event.

so we picked out a new oven. it is black and stainless steel to match our hand me down refrigerator. it is totally cute, and was pretty affordable, as far as new appliances go. you never want to have to buy a new oven, but having things to bake and no where to bake them doesn't work either.

the dishwasher needs replacing, thanks to the limestone rock we live on, but we can only do so much at a time. until we save up for that i have to rewash half of everything that cycles through. if not for a curious, mobile little infant in our house, i might hand wash it all, but not a chance with eli running around. i have to make every second count.

updating the kitchen inspires me to want to make aprons. maybe anna and i can tackle that before the weekend. she is being homeschooled now. that would count as art for the week, in my eyes. but i am really looking forward to painting, as well. choices.

6 days til christmas

i am soooo excited, there are only 6 more days until christmas! most of the shopping is done, just a couple of more things for dear friends. we did not do any baking this year, which is really sad. last year, the kids and i made chocolate chip oatmeal cookies and sugar cookies. it was so much fun, and it really put you in the christmas spirit- listening to holiday music with a fire on the hearth and the warm sweet smell of fresh baked treats wafting from the kitchen.

this year it has been a little difficult to get into a mood of holiday cheer. maybe it is because everything is topsy-turvy, with a new baby and more extended family on a regular basis, perhaps it is because thanksgiving wasn't the eagerly anticipated event it normally is, maybe the sense that things are changing, or maybe it is the fact that we are still experiencing weather in the 80's at the end of december, but whatever it is, it doesn't quite feel like christmas.

yet the restless anticipation swells within my being, and i know that it is all too true. there is something so pleasant about this time of year. we consider others more than ourselves, we are more aware of the plight of humanity, we surround ourselves with stories and songs that illuminate what is good in humanity, and we therefore strive to produce goodness in our own lives. life, we remember, is something to be celebrated, appreciated. we are once again rejuvenated whilst we live it.

love is a miracle. we get to participate in the miraculous. these disappointed feelings, in the end, are secondary to the movement. i don't need to swoon in my romanticism of the season. i can remember the ultimate miracle of love, that god would create a child to redeem our souls from utter damnation; i can be a part of this miracle by sharing in his love for those in my world. that is significant. it is enough.

i may not be able to do drastic things. i am not a philanthropist, a professional, a missionary, a doctor, a leader, or anything of prestige, but i can contribute to the world by caring about those who enter my world. one kind word, a listening ear, an unexpected hug or generous offer... these things do matter. they do not seem significant, but we cannot aptly quantify what god does or continues to do through the ordinary. everyone of us was created for greatness. god sees that which is done in the secret. he rewards us accordingly. let the light of the manger remind us that we can do great things, too. love is enough.

isfp

so sac has this nifty link where you can take a jungian personality test to help you better assess possible careers, thereby maximizing your college potential. i found out that i am an isfp- introverted, sensing, feeling, perceiving personality. this is one of the major artist personality types, which, of course, i love. so much of what they say about this person does reflect who i am. this is always so validating, which is probably why i have such a love for personality tests.

the funny thing about the careers suggested for this personality type is that they are nearly all things i have considered pursuing. this does not necessarily narrow the gap, though it does show me that perhaps i am headed in the right direction.

based on this information, early childhood education and design are looking like the brightest avenues. i can get a degree in 2 years if i do early childhood. but will that fulfil my need for solitude and creation?

i will have to investigate the design possibilities more. i think incarnate word has a program for fashion design. ironically, i am back where i left off in high school. i had several colleges send information to try to recruit me for fashion and interior design. i think this was the result of the asvab test that the army administered to us.

i am a little giddy standing on new prospects; i just wanted to share.

also, john lennon was the same personality type. *sigh* guess that's why i love him so much.

brooke fraser

got to go see brooke fraser last night with a couple of church friends and corey's sister. it was fun being in austin. i got to be silly for a while, which is awesome, even if i am totally insecure revealing my true self.

we ate at kerbey lane, which is like a little pancake joint/eclectic eatery/bar. pretty hip little place. i had a meditteranean salad and a mimosa. yummy!

the show was at a club on 6th called the parish. it was relatively small, with lots of dramatic features: black and white flocked wall paper framed along the brick walls, beautiful chandeliers, red velvet curtains, wooden floors in an upstairs venue. classic.

brooke was very fun. she is a good entertainer. she has a way of interacting with the crowd that makes you feel very welcome. she seemed to enjoy the rowdiness of the austin crowd. i liked it best when she gave us a web address in an american accent.

she played 'crows and locusts' off of the new album. excellent! i was very surprised, because that is such a weighty song. they played it, none the less.

all the audience sang along with a few of the older songs, but i was particularly struck by the crowd singing albertine. i also love the fact that she is still telling the world about albertine, as she promises in the song.

i was a little hurt by the fact that her husband refused to sign my shirt. it may sound silly, but i am what i am. god totally used it, however, to speak to me about idolatry and pride. my pride, that is. i always have to fall down a chunk of stairs to get to my knees. i don't like this about myself, but i am so grateful that the lord loves me enough to do what it takes to bring me to humility.

as far as idolatry goes- people are people. not one is above the next. this is a constant struggle for me. it is so easy to buy into the hype that it is what you look like, what you do, your power or position that make you worthy; that only the beautiful, elite, talented, successful people are the ones that matter. of course this is a lie. it is still easy to adopt the ideology. i have been subscribing to this deceitful philosophy all of my life. incidentally, i have struggled with self-contempt as a result.

by the end of the evening, i was blessed with the reality that i belong somewhere. being a wife and a mother isn't as prestigious as a great many other things, and i frequently feel completely insignificant, but i matter a great deal where my family is concerned. they care about me, despite my blaring imperfections. they love me anyway.

i am satisfied. that is enough. i thank the lord that i am so blessed!