a handful of years ago one sentence completely altered the course of my life.
“be the church.”
living stones. a holy preisthood. mercy, not sacrifice.
this one idea catapulted me into a series of personal deconstructions from which i have been unable to recover. but, then again, how does one recover from that which is undone?
since that profound beginning, i began to question. everything. nothing made sense anymore. my understanding, my standards, my systems were completely in ruin. there was no work to complete. no sacrifice required. nothing i could do to achieve personal holiness. i was lost in a sea replete with uncertainty. where was i to go.
the first question to enter my mind: “if i am the church, why do i need the church?”
a series of events, an onslaught of information left me wanting, unsatisfied with what i understood church to be. i was weary of repetition. hypocrisy left me incensed, though i was keenly aware how well i embodied it. ultimately, i decided to walk away from the church. i now see that i was attempting to figure things out. but who can know the mind of God?
whilst on this journey for some greater truth, i discovered a passion for people i had not fully known. but, not just any people, the ‘lost.’ after reconvening with some people outside my church world, i became disgusted with such a suggestion. who am i to say that someone else is lost? i stand not in the place of judge. i know not the realities of one person’s relationship with the almighty living Lord.
you see, on this journey i witnessed happenings in the lives of the unchurched in ways that had to be God. it was as if he was challenging my sensibilties on who can know him or be used of him. he also taught me not to believe what people say, particularly about what they believe in regards to faith, because most of the time they don’t know. we expect ourselves and others to be definitive about our belief systems that change as we do. they mature with us. beyond that, we are usually out of touch with our hearts; so i had to learn to listen beyond the words.
the next question that began to plague me was simply, to God, “do i even love you?”
it’s easy to say that i do. but he told peter that if he loved him he would feed his lambs. truth be told, on a macro level, i don’t like people. i am worn out by them. i am an introvert. i am an only child. i have to share my spouse with thousands of souls that i don’t know, who really have no regard for me or the sacrifice i am making on their behalf. i have been trained all these years, but that doesn’t mean i am excited about it. (yes, i see my hypocrisy.)
beyond the feeding of his sheep, jesus said that if we love him we would obey his commands. at this point in the game i was blatantly rebelling against his directives. i felt that they were too hard. he doesn’t demand so much from other people that i see. “God, i know you know best, but i feel like doing things my way.” essentially i abandoned ship, much like jonah. i soon found out that my way ends in death, which i had known all along. after all, the bible tells me so.
then,”what’s the point of even trying?” became the resounding chorus of my life. i was giving up. it was to hard to be a follower of christ. there had to be a simpler way. if i didn’t love him, what was the point? i mean, i felt like i loved him, but i didn’t meet his commands, not even the essential 2. i didn’t measure up. i didn’t want to fool myself, to arrive for my judgement and be told that he didn’t know me. i didn’t want to pretend.
at some point in all of this my foolishness was overwhelming. i cried to the lord for an intervention. within 24 hours such an intervention came. again, like jonah. i cried out in my distress and he heard my cry. this was a humbling, shameful time for me, still raw from the painful implosion of everything i once believed and riveted by questions that lead to a bit of self-deception. you see, the quest for truth is noble and good, but you will be tested with falsehood on your journey. you must learn to discern that which is light.
i am happy to say that eventually things altered. clarity came. i realized that community is the premise for the church in my life. i can do all that calls me to do wherever i am, but the church is a portal for connecting with other people who are living the same way. i saw that the barriers don't have to be drawn. i still wonder about what church really is, but now i understand why i attend one.
i also decided to obey his voice, though it did seem like a great request. within 9 months of that act of obedience, i conceived the child that i had prayed earnestly for for 7 years. and God named him elijah. elijah, the name i wanted to name our now 12 year old child. elijah, the prophet whom i respect and defend, be it only internal defense. elijah, whose spirit God placed upon elisha and john. elijah.
i found that obedience doesn't come all at once. it happens, at least for me, in waves. once i said yes to one thing, i found it a little easier to say yes to another. sometimes i am faithful, many times i am not. i have learned that he loves me anyway. though he knows what i will do, i often do not. i have to learn more about my true nature.
sadly, i must also admit that my greatest failures coincided within that 9 month window of turning to say yes. in that time i abandoned all belief in spiritual warfare. i succumbed to whatever may be. i just couldn’t believe that there was actually power in prayer. that’s what i thought. it is not entirely true. i still believed it sometimes, but my hope was waning. i was barely hanging on. God did not let go. he hasn’t let me go yet.
he later used the story of alex malarky, the boy who came back from heaven, to super-infuse me with hope. it was like a bone marrow transplant for my soul. new life. i am so thankful for what God has done and continues to do.
i find myself in the midst of another great deconstruction. i see remnants of ideas and beliefs buzz in and out of my periphereals, but i can’t quite focus on what is actually happening. i can feel it. concepts are reverberating.
identity dissatisfaction. superstar. be nice. inability to process emotions.
so many things keep surfacing, resurfacing. i can barely keep up, yet i have no idea what is going on. i gaze at my true reflection in the water, alarmed by the realities of me. me, one who has tried so hard all my life; prided myself on being good. my goodness is really wretchedness. i finally see.
my prayer in the whirl of all this, is that God would not leave me undone. take me further. clean me out. hollow me. just complete the task you began. lord, pleases don’t leave me undone.
