February

Anna and I have made some progress in the home school department. We are somewhat settled now. We had a fantastic time at the Valentine' s Party with the home school group from the church. What a neat group of ladies! The kids are so vivacious. I'm not sure if I feel more exhilarated or exhausted after a time around them. They are delightful.

Anna was so excited to have a party, since that was the one thing she was going to miss about school, which she adamantly pointed out before she was even withdrawn.

In other news, I am drowning in my college algebra work. It is so easy to forget what you learn when you are only there once a week. It is like I get it while I am there, but by Friday evening, I am clueless. This is slightly concerning with my first big test tomorrow. I know that I always feel like I am going to fail, but that feeling is amplified when I feel like I am not retaining anything.

If I have to I will drop the class. I don't really want to, because I am not confident that I can commit to a flex class. It is a stretch to do any school for myself while homeschooling and parenting an infant. I don't want to miss this precious time with Elijah. I also don't want to be put in a position to repay my financial aid. Life is full of choices.

We are almost done with the girl scout cookie fiasco. Monies are due this weekend, which will be a relief. It is really hard for me to motivate myself to get out there and deliver the product. I am not sure why. They have already purchased what they want, so I don't think it is a rejection issue. I just don't necessarily want to be face to face with strangers. That, and the fact that there always seems to be so much to do.

Speaking of which, I was able to clean my bathroom and my sheets today. I also got a load of diapers washed and hung out to dry, and another batch of diapers brought off the line and put away. All this on top of school. I felt so productive, which feels pretty epic, actually.

I also did a workout called Van Gogh's Ear. I love, love, LOVE Van Gogh, so when I came across this workout, naturally, I wanted to do it. The hitch: you have to do double unders with the jump rope. I cannot jump rope. My bladder doesn't work that way. So, I modified it a little. My version of Van Gogh's Ear: 2 min each- pull ups, air squats, burpees. 1 min rest. 90 sec each pull ups, air squats, burpees. 1 min rest. 60 sec each pull ups, air squats, burpees. I know, it doesn't sound like much, but I challenge you to try it. It works! My mom and Anna watched me and laughed at all the funny positions and faces I produced.

That's a big information dump. Feels good to get it off my chest, out of my mind. I think I'll finish listening to the Beatles and get ready for bed. Goodnight, big world!

insurmountable

tides envelop,
taking us further out.
out into the vastness, possibility.
what awaits restless souls condemned to wander,
frantically seeking truth, release?
up into the light.
time to face the crowd.
places please.
incomplete.
embrace the hollow glow.
too many smiles.
pretenses.
constitution wearing thin.
we are the same,
you and i.
we are left wanting in the lack of absolutes.
scratching backwards.
no more patience to pretend.
climb ever up and onward
unto a place of completion.
openness.
solitude.
solution.
resolution.
eternity.
so much trudging.
on and on.
those golden shores await.
we place delicate leather laces around our feet,
as, once again, we attempt the climb.
hand and hand we make our way.
we make our way divine.

mother/son date

we had a blast. we started the evening by driving into san antonio, admiring the snow that had not melted from the night before. that in itself is a treat. snow in san antonio! i find it odd, however, that we did not get any snow at our house in the hills. maybe next time!
we went to tim's oriental market. andrew has been wanting to go for some time. somehow it has always worked out that he is not with us when we go. we do not go often, as i feel very uncomfortable being like the only white person in the building. there are sometimes others, but they are invariably married to someone who hails from the orient. yet again, 'i'm not worthy!'
he ended up getting a pair of chopsticks with a kabuki guy painted on the top. he also talked me in to buying a can of rice milk with bits of rice and a japanese soda that smelled of anise.
after this we meandered over to peter piper pizza. i thought he might be getting too old for this, but he wanted to go. i guess you're never too old for violent video games. in fact, i saw a couple of older teenagers who were just hanging out. apparently i underestimate the cool factor of peter piper. i do vaguely recall hanging out there when we were in junior high, whenever we would go to the carnival.
after he spent all of 100 tokens, which didn't take very long, we went over to kohl's to shop for new shoes. he found a pair of tony hawk high tops with the puffy tongue that sticks up in front of the pants. he thought they were, 'beast.' they were more than i wanted to spend. i'm cheap that way. we left with them anyway.
we had a great time. it's funny how independent we are. we spend quality time doing something with each other/ without each other. that is just how it works. we come together to share bits and pieces, but, by and large, we do our own thing. it makes me laugh. we are original, our whole family. i love that. i struggle with it, but i really do love it.

updates

finishing up week three of homeschooling. it has been a roller coaster, but we are finding our rhythm. we have a solar system hanging over anna's bed, which is really cool. we have two chapters left in little house in the big woods. we are half way through with the transition lessons for right start math. we have learned more scripture in the last 3 weeks than we have investigated in the last few years. a friend of mine has said that homeschooling is all about your relationship with your precious children. i am witnessing the effects of this.

i still battle my insecurity, but that is a life long battle. this endeavour wouldn't be different than anything else in my life, would it?

our home looks like the latest natural disaster. i wish i enjoyed organizing. i really don't. with my school, home school, and an infant this place is a nightmare. it is starting to affect my husband, so i am trying to get it together. but every project seems to grow; the baby is never full of being held. i always feel overwhelmed and behind. this is a bummer, as i don't feel the peace to be creative when i am being ravaged by guilt.

i know i can. i know i can. i know i can.

up hill all the way.

tonight is the father daughter dance at our church. anna is getting ready now. she shyly requested that daddy take her to golden corral, much to his dismay. i am so thankful that he didn't tell her no, even though he cannot stand the place. sacrificing love.

andrew and i have a date, too. we don't know what we are doing yet. he has mentioned eating at a chinese restaurant. i am worried that he will want sushi. i don't know if i am as selfless as corey. seafood makes me sick, literally. we will see. better get ready. he will be arriving home any minute. take care, all of you people out there. hope you are all warm in this winter freeze!